You can feel it. You try to ignore it. But you know you feel it.

That feeling that you know someone doesn't love you.
No matter what words they say, you just know it.
They don't love you like you love them.
Knowing it yet ignoring it.
And when you finally acknowledge it, your whole world crumbles.
You cry you heart out. And it isn't enough.
Yet when you try to pull away, you can't. It hurts even more.
You know you should but it is so devastating that you lose the strength to even stand up.
Your knees are shaking, you try to feel but you feel nothing.
You try to pull yourself together, literally.
Yet you crumble.
You sit down, feeling helpless.
Feeling empty.
Feeling hurt.
Why does life do this to you?, you asked.
Yet you realize there are other people who maybe having a worse time than you.
Yet you feel selfish to ask that question.
Because you don't care about them at that moment.
You're selfish to think only about yourself.
Your feelings. You're hurt. You can't find comfort in his words.
Every time you remember it, tears fall down your face.
You just felt like you're alone.
Alone. A word that is usually used in the English language yet it terrifies you.
You are so afraid of being alone because you already experienced how it feels not to be.
You're so accustomed to the feeling of company that you forgot how it is to be alone.

2.5 weeks

You will never know.
Never know about this.
Because I will keep it from you.
Because in the end, you won't understand.
Because in the end, you won't care.
Because in the end, it will be the end.
I've been here before.
Yet I chose to come back.
Even though I know how much pain it would cause me.
How many tears have been shed before.
How many silent screams I have screamed before.
Because I believed.
I believed that there will be a time that you will accept.
And I risked this pain for that elusive happiness.
Happiness that I know, deep in my heart, not for me.
Happiness that I will not experience. Not from you.
But I still believed.
I hope that someday, someone's gonna pull me away from here.

Emotionally unstable.

Maybe that is how I feel right now.
Stupid relapse.
Maybe I am still not there.
Maybe I just took a detour.
Maybe I am going down this road again.
I feel like I should stop this now.
I feel like I've hurt too much already.
I feel like I've done too much.