I'm a mess.

Yes I am.
It starts to pile up. The stress. I wish for this to be over now.
I might not take it anymore. I might breakdown.
I don't know what to do. People often ask me for advice and I do give them those,
But now, I just need another of myself to tell me what to do.
Because I don't really know. This stresses me a lot.
I know I want to be happy. I know I can choose. But how come I am still on this path?
I don't regret the things I did before, but there are things that I regret doing.
I am sad. I have no one to talk to. I have my best friend but he has a lot to think about.
I don't want to add to his worry and problems. I feel really down.
Yes I might be smiling when you see me, but behind that mask, you can't even imagine what am I going through.
I just want to cry. A lot harder. I want to be free- of all these things- the feelings, stress, and everything else.
I want a simple life. Just a happy one.
This storm's gonna be a lot stronger and a lot longer. I just need to hold on. Let me hold on.

I just have to let it out.

I don't know. I am sad. I know why. But I don't want to tell you. It might just get worse.
I know that I have my limits. And I crossed line I should not. I am sorry.
This is the thing I can say. With all my heart. I am sorry,
I have caused you so much. It caused me so much pain.
I have burdened you. I don't know if you deserve me.
Yeah, maybe I have helped you before, but that is nothing compared to what I am doing now.
I am bad. I am sad. I don't know what to do.
I am selfish. I was too comfortable. I thought it would be okay.
I didn't know what you feel. I think I subconsciously didn't care.
But you know how I feel. I care for you. Maybe, just too much.

I am sorry I have been selfish. I only thought of myself. I didn't think of you and your responsibilities, even though you are bluntly telling me that.
I am sorry. I don't know if I even deserve your forgiveness but I am still asking for it. I am a hypocrite. I know.

I wish this will pass. And we can be the same again. Like before. Because of all the people in this world, you are one of those I believed in.
You are one of the most important people in my life. I think I have said it a lot of times. I can only be myself when I am with you. I have no other friend like you. But now, I wish this friendship will last. Forever. I don't know if I can bear it but thinking of it, it makes me cry. A lot. You're the only person I can trust with all my secrets, feelings, emotions and experiences. I wish that you're the same with me. I am so sad right now. I may have lied to you but it is because I don't want to burden you, especially this time. I want to be there who will support you and push you further and help you reach your goals. I am your friend.

Ewan. Labas lang ng feels. Lol.

So yeah. Ganun pa rin. Magdedelete na ako ng mga posts. Ayuuuuun. Iba na ngayon. HOHO.

My clinginess pa rin ang topic. So yeah.

Habang naglalakad ako pauwi, iniisip ko kung bakit ako clingy. And of course, I had a realization.

Yeah. Tinatamad na ako sobra mag-explain. Basta, yun. :(((

Hay.

Naiiyak na lang ako lagi. Nakakaasar na. Hay. Feeling ko tuloy nasa depressed na naman ako. Medyo stable pa naman kaya okay lang. Pero still. Bwisit.

I wish na kaya kong umalis sa state na to. Gusto ko yung chill lang. Walang pakialam sa mundo. Bwisit na feelings yan. Nagpapasaya tapos nagpapalungkot rin naman. GAH. Seriously, Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin. Ang plan ko mukhang di ko kayang iexecute nang maayos. Nakakaaasar. ACADS. Sana meron na lang akong happiness potion na lagi kong iinumin and stuff. Or para hindi na kailangang uminom, sana naggegenerate na lang ako ng happiness. Ganun na lang sana lagi. Ayoko ng feeling na ganito. Yung doubt na to is killing me. Hay. Gusto ko umiyak tapos after umiyak sana okay na ang lahat pero hindi e.

Gusto ko lang magrant kasi hindi ko na alam kung saan ako maglalagay ng feelings. Nakakabwisit.

Ayoko rin pala nung nature ko. Ewan, Masyado akong clingy. And I expect people to be clingy too. Hayyy. Nakakapagod na. Ako yung nasasaktan kasi ako yung clingy. Ako yung needy. Ako yung dependent. Ako yung mas masasaktan. Kasi wala naman e.

T_T

Crying. Again. Stupiddddd. >:(

I don't know.

These stuff are killing meeeee. :<

KMN

>.<

Hayyyyyy. Kill me nao please. Medyo kailangan ko ng SUPER MARAMING willpower at self-control para matapos ito.

Magbabago na ako. HAYYYYY. Nakakaasar. Looking back, super unworthy ako ng mga stuff. Ewan. Nakakainis. Parang ang feeling ko nagbago na ako. Pero for the worse. :((((( T_____________T nakakainis. HAY. Stress in life. Naiiyak nako.

Anyway, umiyak ako kaninang umaga. T_T parang narealize ko yung bigat ng lahat ng mga stuff for next week. Parang di ko kaya yung feeling. Nakakainis. WHYYYY

Nganga.

Reading about other people's lives made me think about mine. Do I really like this course? :O

Anyway, it really made me think *even just for a second* if I really like this course. I am like, I have no choice. But I do. But I don't know. I think I really like this course and I don't know. Mkay. Lost person here.



Another thing is that I also want to pursue cooking. Like gourmet cooking. Learning different techniques and stuff like that. Even being a chocolatier had once been a dream of mine. I don't know. But I want to pursue geology, too. I wish my life would be longer to do all these things. Hay. Anywayyy, I just shared some of my dreams with you tonight. :))

Bad day

Morning Crisis

I just want to say, I don't create interesting posts. I just want to blog just to let out what I feel. I felt like telling the world what I feel can somehow release some of the burden that I feel. I know it is selfish for me to tell you my problems but you have the choice to read it or not. <- These lines are weird.

This week has been very fun and weird for me. Migraine always coming. I feel like I always don't have enough time to sleep. I feel like I always have requirements and stuff to finish.

I just want to say that I love this week because even though this week is tiring for me, it has been somehow kind to me. Or not. I don't know. I always feel like this. Uncertain about stuff. Always holding back. Always being reserved. Always unsure.

Reading this post may be very weird and stuff. I don't know how to organize my thoughts. It's always all over the place. Always kalat. Always.

I just want to blog what I feel but after some time I just want to delete posts or anything. Okay weird post right here. YAY.

Maybe some other time. Maybe. Or not. Most probably yeah. But whatever.

What I wish is to talk to my best friend. He is just the one who I can talk about everything. Everything.

Clingy.

Super labo ng post na to. Don't read. It's not organized or whatever.



Why am I clingy? It brought me to a verrrrry new situation. It brought me into a situation I never want to be in. But why am I still clingy? Here are my thoughts:

I think I am clingy because I want to feel loved. Physical display of affections always works on me. I lean on people's shoulders, I cry on them, I hug a lot. I hold people's hands. Even intertwined my fingers with theirs. Just to feel loved. I also kiss people. :D HOHO. On rare occasions. Hay.

Now that the rain has separated me from the people I usually hug/hold hands with/kiss are far from me. I feel not loved. Then I become the texter/fb-er/twitter-er/blogger. Hayyy. That is why I am sad. I am lonely. I want to feel loved. :( And now, I feel like I am alone. HAHAHA

Maybe I am like this because I am used to be hugged/kissed/clingy-ed by everyone. Or maybe I just want to feel like it. But I am clingy. 



I just created this post because I have no one to talk to the whole day today. I just want to let it out. I want to tell the world to that I want to be hugged. That is why I hug people. I want them to feel loved. But seldom I get hugs. I know that they are not clingy like me, that is why I understand. I just want people to hug me. :((((((((

Repost. Gusto mo ng Realizations?

Hindi mo palagi nakukuha ang gusto mo. Pero hindi mo kailangan maging malungkot dahil hindi mo nakukuha ang gusto mo. Nasa iyo naman kung gusto mo maging masaya eh. Hindi lang naman ang gusto mo ang magpapasaya sa iyo. Minsan, nakakalimutan lang natin ang mga simpleng bagay na nagpapaligaya sa atin. Kapag na wala na lang sila, saka natin nakikita kung gaano kaimportante ang mga iyon sa buhay natin. Huwag gaanong pagtuunan ng pansin ang mga problema. Masasagot din sila, maghintay ka lang. At ang mga hindi mo makuha? Naging masaya ka naman nang wala ang mga iyon, hindi ba? Pwes, kaya mo ring maging masaya ulit kahit na wala ang mga iyon.


At ang mga kaibigan, importante ang mga iyan. Huwag mo silang talikuran o pagisipan ng masama. Kung may ginawa man silang hindi mo ikinatuwa, hindi naman nila siguro intensyon na saktan ka. Kung ganoon nga ang intensyon nila, hindi mo talaga sila dapat na ituring na kaibigan. Kung pinagiisipan mo naman sila ng masama, anong klaseng kaibigan ka? Hindi mo sila pinagkakatiwalaan pero sila pinagkakatiwalaan ka? Masama kang kaibigan kung ganoon.


At ang pinaka importante siguro ay kaya mong gawin ang lahat. Nasa sa iyo lang kung gagawin mo o hindi. Ikaw ang bahala sa buhay mo. Tandaan mo lang din na "It is our choices, not our traits, that make us who we are.". Kaya ang payo ko sayo, huwag kang matakot. What does not kill us, makes us stronger. After all, we learn from our mistakes. Kapag palagi tayong nagkakamali, marami tayong matututunan at magagamit natin iyon sa ibang bagay. Experience is the best teacher. At kung masakit man ang iyong pagkakamali, huwag kang mawawalan ng pag-asa. Dahil kapag wala nang pagasa, hindi natin alam kung may bagyo.
NGEEE!!!!!
Ang korny ko. Mamatay na lahat ng korny.

Believe.

One thing I pride myself is that I believe. I believe in people. Not everyone, of course. But yes. Anyway, I believe that people can reach anything. I don't know. Just put effort into it and I believe you can reach it. Maybe I am influenced by my friend, but I saw it work one time. From that time, I believed we are capable of doing things. We are capable of achieving higher goals. It just that we don't put ENOUGH effort into it.


Anyway, this is the event that I think was one of the turning points in my life.


It was the last quarter of my last high school. I was flunking in Math. I know that I can flunk one of the subjects because I can still graduate with that grade. But I wanted to graduate without failing grades. It is just what I like. I am not used to flunk subjects even though I hate them. So, my teacher gave us our pre-final grade, I was 5.0 or 4.0, I can't remember. I needed 6 points to get a 3.00, but 3.00 is not passing in our grading system. I need to get 2.50. And when I look if how much points in the last periodic exam I need to get, I was shocked. I believed back then that it was impossible. But then, I knew I don't want to graduate with failing grades. I knew I have to get that 2.50. No matter how impossible it may seem. So the night before the exam, I reviewed. I only reviewed Math (We have exams on 2 other subjects that same day). I solved and re-solved all the long exams that we had. I had facebook on my side but it was "touched" for a couple of times. I slept early that night. I rested. Then the next day happened. Then that afternoon, the results were out. I did it. It was something. I was happy. From then on, I knew I can do it. I still know I can. I believe. And I believe in others, too.






*This is maybe how I get that high self-esteem,*

Panic.

I hate making sad posts. I don't know if this one's gonna be sad.

Anyway, I love how people trust me. I don't know. I felt like I am needed. Maybe I just want to feel needed. Or I need to feel needed. If that is the case, it is sad. I am not like this before. Before, I don't give a shit about what people think about me. I don't give a shit about what they think about at all. But now, things have changed. I think before I do something. Before I say something. Before anything. And sometimes, I feel like I am ran by the opinions of other people. I always say, damn the norms of the society. But I am a hypocrite. I give a damn about those norms. I live by their rules. I live by how they want me to live. And I am sad to realize this. I am sad because somehow, I don't have freedom. I am chained and contained in a box called society. And I don't know how to get out. I need to get out. Or not. Maybe I like to be contained. Maybe I like how comfy it is to be in here. Or maybe I am the one who chained and locked myself in here. Life is full of choices. These choices define our life. These choices makes us who we are. These define us.

Oh well. Life is unfair. It will never be fair. So we have to conform to life and get the best out of it.

Answer me.

I like how I can get my feelings out here. I don't know. I can't tell it but letting it out here for everyone to read is awesome. Maybe it's full of grammatical errors but at least I expressed myself. At least I am not keeping it inside. At least I am not suppressing all these emotions. Hayyy. I wanna sleep. But I also want to learn. I want to be myself. I want to do a lot of things in my life. I don't know what to do first. It's like I am already in my legal age and I feel like I didn't fully maximized my childhood. I don't know what am I blogging about. Loool. But anyway, I am receiving more pageviews and I am thinking, why would anyone read my blog? Looking at my older posts, they are not really interesting or anything. I don't know. I would like to ask anyone who really reads my blog. Why? Why do you read it? Is it because you just randomly ended up with it? Or maybe, you like to bash it because of all the errors it has? Or whatever. I wanna hear whyyy. I would assume that if I don't get any comments here, maybe your just randomly got into my page, and my pageviews are a lieeee. :))

Hey yo.

I am here. Sitting. YAY.






Anyway, I don't know. I don't want to be part of your problems. I want to be there for you. I have seen you cry for so many times. Tears that I believe you shouldn't be shedding. But still, out of the goodness of your heart, you are still shedding. I don't want to be part of those who you cry for, those who gave you those tears. I want to make you cry, cry because of happiness. Sadly, I don't know how to do that with this kind of stuff I am going through.


Hey. I will stop whining. I will be there for you. I won't mind what I am going through because yours needed more attention than mine. I want to be your brother forever. So, I'll just suck it up and go on with my life. No matter what, I will always be here for you. NO MATTER WHAT,

I don't know.

Ginaya ko lang yung kapatid ko nung sinabi niyang I feel like blogging again.


I don't know. I somehow felt like blogging too. Maybe most of you who read this page doesn't know me or something. I don't know. But I just want to share what am I thinking. Lalala. I know this post is so weird like all the other posts but whatever. You can leave this page whenever you want. But I am here typing, not knowing what to do, what to type and stuff.


My head hurts. Yes. I hate it but it hurts.  Anyway, for the past few days or weeks, I have been busy, busy trying to get my life busy. I procrastinate a lot and I hate it when I do it. But I don't know. I like procrastinating, except after procrastinating. I feel like I am just cheating myself (worst kind of cheating) for not doing things now. Anyway, I felt productivity kanina and I am happy with it. I am so weird. :))


Oh well, I don't want to talk about my problems here because someone might read it and it might spread and reach the other side. Better be careful. And paranoid.


I want to sleep but I want to read and fly. Why can't I have powers of levitatiooooon. I want it please.




Oh. I am just gonna talk about what happened some time last last week. I am happy because someone told me that I was in their innermost circle of friends. It means we're close. I mean I don't know. We have different definitions of friends. But he told me we were close indirectly. This guy is so awesome. He tells you stuff that other people don't bother thinking about. (gr?) We talk about things people don't usually talk about. Some times to the point that the talk is so "bangag" or "sabaw". He also thinks very differently from other people. We used to talk and when his friends saw that we "understand" each other, they were amazed. So weird. Anyway, I am happy to have this different kind of talk. Somehow it became like fresh air. I felt like I relaxed a bit.


Another awesome thing is that my brother stayed at our house for an overnight. Yes, I may be irritated at first because his meeting was so long but it was worth it. He was introduced and stuff went smoothly. He was even invited for another. :)) Anyway, we bonded and I like having him as my brother because he is so awesome and everything else.


Anyway, I had a lot of thoughts that I have shared with you today. So I am gonna leave you there nao.




Sorry wrong grammar and the like.

Good morning. I just want to rant about something, but I didn't feel like continuing again. X_X

Midnight Crisis

Sometimes I do feel like letting out. Now is that time. I do want to cry but I can't. Maybe because I want to hold back. Maybe because it's not gonna be worth it. Or maybe there is no reason at all. I pride myself as a happy man but sometimes life can be hard on you. You strive for things that are very elusive but you still try. Yet you fail. That failure sometimes chips away our morale one piece at a time. Sometimes I feel that that failure pushed me further than the victory would have done. But now, everything is a mess. I am a mess. Not knowing what to think, how to act, how to continue living. I know I want to live but how to live it, that is the real question. I love my adventurous side, the one who doesn't give a damn to what anyone would say but as time goes by, opinions comes very high on our lists. It becomes so high that sometimes we forget what we really are for. We just know what the world wants from us and we forget what we really want. We fight it everyday, and every day we lose.

Birthdaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Gusto ko ng mugs for my birthday kaso hindi ko alam saan sila ilalagay :))

Nothing

Iz so emo. :(

All I heard was nothing.

Lean on me. For it won't be long 'til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me...

Excited.

Hay. Sana lang hindi ito matuloy.
Pero hindi ito yung kinaeexcited ko.
Fieldwork na namin sa Baguio.
Wala lang. I am so happy. Sana makakita ako doon ng mga murang gulay.
Gusto ko maglutooo. Sana may energy pa ako magluto. HOHO.
Masarap naman ako magluto e. ATA.
Ohwell. Overnight bukas sa NIGS tapos the next day, departurrrrrrrrrrre.
Mamimiss ko yung mga kapatid ko. Pati yung kapatid ko. :>
Syempre, nung nagfield nga sila namiss ko e.
Kasi ako loving akong tao. HOHOHO.
Pero bukod doon, yung iba kong mga kaibigan namimiss ko na rin. :(((
Sana matuloy yung celebration. :O
HUHUHU. Miss ko na adviser ko.
Naalala ko, ang napansin namin sa kanya, isa siya sa mga taong bored sa buhay niya.
Ngunit nakakubli sa kanyang mga halos-inaantok na mga mata ay isang taong napakatalino,
hindi lamang sa acads, pati na sa buhay. Hindi siya nagbibigay ng usual na "Good job" o "Do better next time". Nagbibigay siya ng mga personal na mga comments sa mga performances namin sa school. Isang patunay na magaling siyang adviser. Hindi man ito ramdam ng iba, o niya mismo, ngunit, mataas ang respeto ko sa taong ito. Isa ito sa mga taong pwedeng kausapin tungkol sa buhay, kung gusto mo ng makakausap, o makikinig lang, magaling siya don. Kung hindi lang siya busy. :)) Pero laki ang pasalamat ko sa taong 'to, isa siya sa mga impluwensya sa buhay ko, hindi directly pero marami na siyang nasabi na nakakatuwang pag-isipan, pagbulayan at iba pa. Isa siyang definite na AWESOME TEACHER.

Naging parang SET na ata tong post na itooo. :)

Sige pa, magpost ka pa. Syempre, ako rin. Gusto ko rin maglabas ng saloobin.
Hayyyy. Bakit kasiiii. Nakakabwisit ka naman ng araw.
All this time akala ko okay lang yung mga ganun. Pero adik e.
Sobra lang.
Galit ako ngayon, YES. Pero bukas, hindi na. Ewan ko lang sayo.
Kung gusto mo ng matagalan, hingin mo, kasi ako, hindi ako nagsstart ng long war.
HINDI. Ngayon kung gusto mo nyan, since mukhang sanay ka naman na (below the belt),
eh di sige. Eh wala naman ata akong ginagawang masama. ATA. I don't know.
Pero seriously, O_O.
Hayyy kailangan ko lang talaga maglabas ng saloobin. Bakit kasi haggarddddd. :((
Hindi ko na alam. LALALALA. I should take my own advice. Don't motivate BV thoughts.
Kaso panira ka e. PANIRA. Mag-aaral nako ng lahat, kaso panira ka talaga.
Sige, magalit ka, hahayaan kita. Pero pag nagtagal 'to, 'wag mong aasahan na tatahimik lang ako.
Lagi kong inuulit ulit, mabilis akong mag calm down. Mabilis.
Pero once you started the other side of me, DEFINITELY you won't like it. NO ONE WOULD LIKE IT.
Hayyyy. Sarap magbuntung hininga. MASARAP.





















Hello again.
>.<

Ako na ang masama.

Hay.
Hindi mo kasi gets yung point ko.
Hindi ko rin gets point mo.
Pano tayo magkakaintindihan.
Ang saya naman.
Haggard na nga, dadagdagan pa.
Hindi ko talaga alam kung anong problema.
Hay. Grabe, pwede simple life?
Kung ayaw mong maniwala sakin na gusto ko lang umuwi, eh di wag.
Pero naman, grabe ka kung makapamintang na kinalimutan?
EH WALA NGA AKONG GUSTONG KASAMA PAUWI E.
Hindi ba yun gets?
Wala akong pakialam kung may kasama ako o wala.
Ibig sabihin, hindi ako nag aalok, ang sinasabi ko lang noon ay gusto ko na umuwi.
Kung siya nag alok, oh di okay. Basta ang alam ko, hindi ako nag alok.
Ngayon kung iniisip mo na kinalimutan ka, eh di pwes, nakalimutan nga kita, PERO NAKALIMUTAN HINDI KINALIMUTAN. MAY DIFFERENCE.
Napakasensitive mo naman. Ako nga, wala na akong pakialam kung mag-isa ako umuwi e.
Porke't hindi ka inalok, ineexpect mo na aalukin kita? EH KANINA NGA SABI KO, GUSTO KO LANG UMUWI. OH CRAP. SURGE OF EMOTIONS.
Grabe grabe grabeeee. Hindi kita maintindihan. Bahala ka dyan.
Baka isipin mo galit ako, baka nga. Pero one thing for sure, hindi ako maghohold ng grudge sayo.
INTENSE KA PRE.
INTENSE.

I want to post.

Antagal na bago ako nagpost.
Hay.
Pero cool. :>
Gagawin ko tong post na to para lang maglabas ng saloobin. or not. :))
Hayy. Buhay bakit napakakomplikado mo?
O sa sobrang simple mo, nagiging komplikado ka na?
Gah.
Lalala.
-_-
Apparently, tinatamad nanaman ako -__-

For the First Time

Trying to make it work but man, these times are hard.