No Christmas Spirit for me.

It has been another year of ups and downs. I don't know if it is mostly ups or mostly downs, this is maybe due to the fact that at the end of this year, I am lonely.

One year has passed, same mistake and same frustrations and sadness I felt. Same holiday, same event, same feeling. That feeling of being unreciprocated. That feeling of knowing that someone you love will never love you back the same way. That feeling of knowing that he is holding the hands of another. Knowing that you will never be together. Knowing all these things. And him not knowing.

For those times that we had together, those times that you comforted me, made me feel loved, happy and elated, I don't know if I wanted to thank you for that. They said that it was better to love than not to have love at all. I don't know what to feel. I just feel pain now that this is happening, I just want to get out of here, go to a place far away from here, start anew and hope that maybe the next time we see each other, we'd still be friends. You don't know or pretend to not know what I feel, I guess that is for the better.

Gusto kong magalit, pero di ko kaya. Gusto kong umiyak, pero kulang ang mga luha. Ang sakit lang, hindi ko alam na magkakaganito, sana mas natuto ako na wala talagang patutunguhan ang ganitong klase ng relasyon. Ako naman ang nagsimula nito, hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit. Sana hindi ko na lang itinuloy, para walang nangyari, para walang sakitang naganap, at baka mas naging masaya ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang meron sakin. Hindi ko na talaga ito gagawin ulit. Masyado lang siyang masakit. Ibababad ko na lang ang sarili sa trabaho para makalimutan lahat. Kahit walang closure, kakayanin ko 'to. Nakakainis na feeling ko umasa ako kahit na alam ko kung anong pinapasok ko, kahit alam kong ganito ang mangyayari, thinking na baka magbago ka. Sana maging masaya kayo. I really want that to happen, kahit na masakit para sakin. Ganito ako, mas gusto ko nang masaktan nang mag-isa kaysa idamay pa kita.

Akala ko lang talaga na wala na kayo. Akala ko na kaya itong ipush pero hindi e. Mukhang lesson na ito para sakin. Bahala na. Kung kailangan mo ng kausap, kahit ano, lagi lang akong nandito para sayo. Alam mo yan.

I know I should be over all the butterflies.

Yes. I should be over all the butterflies. I don't know why. I am still here. I know I should let go. But I am still here. The thing is there are times that we thought we are already done with it but it comes back to us when we least expect it.

How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
'Til you're torn apart

It is disheartening that whenever you're trying to move on, you just can't. But you know that you have to, unless you are so suicidal.

It is so sad when you thought you already have it but you don't. It is just an illusion of yours that you got it.

Some things are elusive. It is just unreachable. You just have to let go and move on.

But moving on is easier said than done. We use other means to do it and in the end we are the one suffering.

In the end, it is not just us who suffer but also those were involved in the process.

I wish there was a painless way of forgetting someone and moving on. Because it eats you inside out and leave you empty.

Sometimes, I wish to just turn it off but then again, knowing me, I challenge myself to do the opposite thing.

And the vicious cycle begins. It is always me who end up losing the fight. I am the last one crying. I am, in the end, the sad sore loser.

These are the words I would like to say to you.

I hate that I love you. I do not know if it is love, maybe like, whatsoever. I wish to just turn off. For good.

But I know that if I turn off, I won't be the same again. I won't be like myself. I won't be who I want to be.

Moving on, as I always say, is a long painful process. I have already been there. I have overcome it. But every time it happens, it felt like it's something new. It surprises me. It kills me again. With the same intensity, if not more. I have talked to a lot of people and been there for them while moving on. But you just can't say, "It's gonna be alright, I've been there." Yes, you've been there, but you don't feel what they feel trying to move on and still trying. It's so sad. It's a place where you might find sleep and still yearn for more. You wish that the load should just come off but it doesn't. It weighs you down. Real bad. I hate to say this but moving on is a feeling you don't wanna feel. Even though after you moved on, it is like the lightest feeling. Looking back would be just a joke but the moment you are trying to move on and you can't, it is the feeling I dread the most.

This is how I cope with what I am feeling today. I wish I could talk to you about this but I can't. See. I am sad.

Death

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

Yeah. Maybe this is a late post. This post is tribute to my grandmother.
I was not there when she had her last breath. But she will forever live in me.
Her cooking will be my inspiration. She will be my inspiration.

The feeling of having someone you know died is just inexplicable  I tried to hide my tears for a couple of times. A lot of times actually. But they would just fall randomly. Even during my jeepney trips around the school. I will never forget that time when I received the news.

I just came from a dinner date with my friends. I missed them so we owe to each other that date. But then, as we went home, I received a text. I knew my eyes were swelling and my tears are about to fall. As much as I could, I tried to stop them. I am in the middle of the road, for Pete's sake! But emotions have this way of doing things, the more you suppress them, the more intense they become. I walked to my things, got them and went home. As I walked, I cried. I know I have lots of things to think about, my exam in Physics, my acads. I ended up distracting myself with series and slept it off.

The morning after, I thought I was over the butterflies. But I'm still here.

It is not the same as before.

Yeah. It is not the same. Things changed. I changed. You changed.
I left you there. I should've been there. I left you. Hanging.
We were going somewhere, but I left you.
I don't know if it was worth it but I guess it is.
I want to know you better. I don't know how to do that though.
History is a snake. It changes perspective.
I wanna come back. But you won't let me.
You let go. And now, I am left. Just like how I left you. Hanging.
I might have burned the bridge but I am making one again.
And I know that it is hard, but please help me.
Don't break the bridge I am making.
Don't ignore me. Because I want us to be friends.
The way that we used to be.

Okay.

I don't know what to write though. I just want to write. HAHA. Wala lang. Parang antagal ko na ring hindi nagsusulat. Nakakamiss pa minsan minsan. May mga bagay ka na gusto mong sabihin, kaya dito mo na lang isusulat.

Hindi ko na talaga maintindihan ang sarili ko. Kung bakit ang weird ko. Ayoko na nga pero go lang pa rin. ANO NA. Pwedeng itigil na sana to. Hayyy.