No Christmas Spirit for me.

It has been another year of ups and downs. I don't know if it is mostly ups or mostly downs, this is maybe due to the fact that at the end of this year, I am lonely.

One year has passed, same mistake and same frustrations and sadness I felt. Same holiday, same event, same feeling. That feeling of being unreciprocated. That feeling of knowing that someone you love will never love you back the same way. That feeling of knowing that he is holding the hands of another. Knowing that you will never be together. Knowing all these things. And him not knowing.

For those times that we had together, those times that you comforted me, made me feel loved, happy and elated, I don't know if I wanted to thank you for that. They said that it was better to love than not to have love at all. I don't know what to feel. I just feel pain now that this is happening, I just want to get out of here, go to a place far away from here, start anew and hope that maybe the next time we see each other, we'd still be friends. You don't know or pretend to not know what I feel, I guess that is for the better.

Gusto kong magalit, pero di ko kaya. Gusto kong umiyak, pero kulang ang mga luha. Ang sakit lang, hindi ko alam na magkakaganito, sana mas natuto ako na wala talagang patutunguhan ang ganitong klase ng relasyon. Ako naman ang nagsimula nito, hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit. Sana hindi ko na lang itinuloy, para walang nangyari, para walang sakitang naganap, at baka mas naging masaya ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang meron sakin. Hindi ko na talaga ito gagawin ulit. Masyado lang siyang masakit. Ibababad ko na lang ang sarili sa trabaho para makalimutan lahat. Kahit walang closure, kakayanin ko 'to. Nakakainis na feeling ko umasa ako kahit na alam ko kung anong pinapasok ko, kahit alam kong ganito ang mangyayari, thinking na baka magbago ka. Sana maging masaya kayo. I really want that to happen, kahit na masakit para sakin. Ganito ako, mas gusto ko nang masaktan nang mag-isa kaysa idamay pa kita.

Akala ko lang talaga na wala na kayo. Akala ko na kaya itong ipush pero hindi e. Mukhang lesson na ito para sakin. Bahala na. Kung kailangan mo ng kausap, kahit ano, lagi lang akong nandito para sayo. Alam mo yan.