I know I should be over all the butterflies.

Yes. I should be over all the butterflies. I don't know why. I am still here. I know I should let go. But I am still here. The thing is there are times that we thought we are already done with it but it comes back to us when we least expect it.

How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
'Til you're torn apart

It is disheartening that whenever you're trying to move on, you just can't. But you know that you have to, unless you are so suicidal.

It is so sad when you thought you already have it but you don't. It is just an illusion of yours that you got it.

Some things are elusive. It is just unreachable. You just have to let go and move on.

But moving on is easier said than done. We use other means to do it and in the end we are the one suffering.

In the end, it is not just us who suffer but also those were involved in the process.

I wish there was a painless way of forgetting someone and moving on. Because it eats you inside out and leave you empty.

Sometimes, I wish to just turn it off but then again, knowing me, I challenge myself to do the opposite thing.

And the vicious cycle begins. It is always me who end up losing the fight. I am the last one crying. I am, in the end, the sad sore loser.

These are the words I would like to say to you.

I hate that I love you. I do not know if it is love, maybe like, whatsoever. I wish to just turn off. For good.

But I know that if I turn off, I won't be the same again. I won't be like myself. I won't be who I want to be.

Moving on, as I always say, is a long painful process. I have already been there. I have overcome it. But every time it happens, it felt like it's something new. It surprises me. It kills me again. With the same intensity, if not more. I have talked to a lot of people and been there for them while moving on. But you just can't say, "It's gonna be alright, I've been there." Yes, you've been there, but you don't feel what they feel trying to move on and still trying. It's so sad. It's a place where you might find sleep and still yearn for more. You wish that the load should just come off but it doesn't. It weighs you down. Real bad. I hate to say this but moving on is a feeling you don't wanna feel. Even though after you moved on, it is like the lightest feeling. Looking back would be just a joke but the moment you are trying to move on and you can't, it is the feeling I dread the most.

This is how I cope with what I am feeling today. I wish I could talk to you about this but I can't. See. I am sad.