You can feel it. You try to ignore it. But you know you feel it.

That feeling that you know someone doesn't love you.
No matter what words they say, you just know it.
They don't love you like you love them.
Knowing it yet ignoring it.
And when you finally acknowledge it, your whole world crumbles.
You cry you heart out. And it isn't enough.
Yet when you try to pull away, you can't. It hurts even more.
You know you should but it is so devastating that you lose the strength to even stand up.
Your knees are shaking, you try to feel but you feel nothing.
You try to pull yourself together, literally.
Yet you crumble.
You sit down, feeling helpless.
Feeling empty.
Feeling hurt.
Why does life do this to you?, you asked.
Yet you realize there are other people who maybe having a worse time than you.
Yet you feel selfish to ask that question.
Because you don't care about them at that moment.
You're selfish to think only about yourself.
Your feelings. You're hurt. You can't find comfort in his words.
Every time you remember it, tears fall down your face.
You just felt like you're alone.
Alone. A word that is usually used in the English language yet it terrifies you.
You are so afraid of being alone because you already experienced how it feels not to be.
You're so accustomed to the feeling of company that you forgot how it is to be alone.

2.5 weeks

You will never know.
Never know about this.
Because I will keep it from you.
Because in the end, you won't understand.
Because in the end, you won't care.
Because in the end, it will be the end.
I've been here before.
Yet I chose to come back.
Even though I know how much pain it would cause me.
How many tears have been shed before.
How many silent screams I have screamed before.
Because I believed.
I believed that there will be a time that you will accept.
And I risked this pain for that elusive happiness.
Happiness that I know, deep in my heart, not for me.
Happiness that I will not experience. Not from you.
But I still believed.
I hope that someday, someone's gonna pull me away from here.

Emotionally unstable.

Maybe that is how I feel right now.
Stupid relapse.
Maybe I am still not there.
Maybe I just took a detour.
Maybe I am going down this road again.
I feel like I should stop this now.
I feel like I've hurt too much already.
I feel like I've done too much.

No Christmas Spirit for me.

It has been another year of ups and downs. I don't know if it is mostly ups or mostly downs, this is maybe due to the fact that at the end of this year, I am lonely.

One year has passed, same mistake and same frustrations and sadness I felt. Same holiday, same event, same feeling. That feeling of being unreciprocated. That feeling of knowing that someone you love will never love you back the same way. That feeling of knowing that he is holding the hands of another. Knowing that you will never be together. Knowing all these things. And him not knowing.

For those times that we had together, those times that you comforted me, made me feel loved, happy and elated, I don't know if I wanted to thank you for that. They said that it was better to love than not to have love at all. I don't know what to feel. I just feel pain now that this is happening, I just want to get out of here, go to a place far away from here, start anew and hope that maybe the next time we see each other, we'd still be friends. You don't know or pretend to not know what I feel, I guess that is for the better.

Gusto kong magalit, pero di ko kaya. Gusto kong umiyak, pero kulang ang mga luha. Ang sakit lang, hindi ko alam na magkakaganito, sana mas natuto ako na wala talagang patutunguhan ang ganitong klase ng relasyon. Ako naman ang nagsimula nito, hindi ko alam na ganito pala kasakit. Sana hindi ko na lang itinuloy, para walang nangyari, para walang sakitang naganap, at baka mas naging masaya ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang meron sakin. Hindi ko na talaga ito gagawin ulit. Masyado lang siyang masakit. Ibababad ko na lang ang sarili sa trabaho para makalimutan lahat. Kahit walang closure, kakayanin ko 'to. Nakakainis na feeling ko umasa ako kahit na alam ko kung anong pinapasok ko, kahit alam kong ganito ang mangyayari, thinking na baka magbago ka. Sana maging masaya kayo. I really want that to happen, kahit na masakit para sakin. Ganito ako, mas gusto ko nang masaktan nang mag-isa kaysa idamay pa kita.

Akala ko lang talaga na wala na kayo. Akala ko na kaya itong ipush pero hindi e. Mukhang lesson na ito para sakin. Bahala na. Kung kailangan mo ng kausap, kahit ano, lagi lang akong nandito para sayo. Alam mo yan.

I know I should be over all the butterflies.

Yes. I should be over all the butterflies. I don't know why. I am still here. I know I should let go. But I am still here. The thing is there are times that we thought we are already done with it but it comes back to us when we least expect it.

How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out
'Til you're torn apart

It is disheartening that whenever you're trying to move on, you just can't. But you know that you have to, unless you are so suicidal.

It is so sad when you thought you already have it but you don't. It is just an illusion of yours that you got it.

Some things are elusive. It is just unreachable. You just have to let go and move on.

But moving on is easier said than done. We use other means to do it and in the end we are the one suffering.

In the end, it is not just us who suffer but also those were involved in the process.

I wish there was a painless way of forgetting someone and moving on. Because it eats you inside out and leave you empty.

Sometimes, I wish to just turn it off but then again, knowing me, I challenge myself to do the opposite thing.

And the vicious cycle begins. It is always me who end up losing the fight. I am the last one crying. I am, in the end, the sad sore loser.

These are the words I would like to say to you.

I hate that I love you. I do not know if it is love, maybe like, whatsoever. I wish to just turn off. For good.

But I know that if I turn off, I won't be the same again. I won't be like myself. I won't be who I want to be.

Moving on, as I always say, is a long painful process. I have already been there. I have overcome it. But every time it happens, it felt like it's something new. It surprises me. It kills me again. With the same intensity, if not more. I have talked to a lot of people and been there for them while moving on. But you just can't say, "It's gonna be alright, I've been there." Yes, you've been there, but you don't feel what they feel trying to move on and still trying. It's so sad. It's a place where you might find sleep and still yearn for more. You wish that the load should just come off but it doesn't. It weighs you down. Real bad. I hate to say this but moving on is a feeling you don't wanna feel. Even though after you moved on, it is like the lightest feeling. Looking back would be just a joke but the moment you are trying to move on and you can't, it is the feeling I dread the most.

This is how I cope with what I am feeling today. I wish I could talk to you about this but I can't. See. I am sad.

Death

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

Yeah. Maybe this is a late post. This post is tribute to my grandmother.
I was not there when she had her last breath. But she will forever live in me.
Her cooking will be my inspiration. She will be my inspiration.

The feeling of having someone you know died is just inexplicable  I tried to hide my tears for a couple of times. A lot of times actually. But they would just fall randomly. Even during my jeepney trips around the school. I will never forget that time when I received the news.

I just came from a dinner date with my friends. I missed them so we owe to each other that date. But then, as we went home, I received a text. I knew my eyes were swelling and my tears are about to fall. As much as I could, I tried to stop them. I am in the middle of the road, for Pete's sake! But emotions have this way of doing things, the more you suppress them, the more intense they become. I walked to my things, got them and went home. As I walked, I cried. I know I have lots of things to think about, my exam in Physics, my acads. I ended up distracting myself with series and slept it off.

The morning after, I thought I was over the butterflies. But I'm still here.

It is not the same as before.

Yeah. It is not the same. Things changed. I changed. You changed.
I left you there. I should've been there. I left you. Hanging.
We were going somewhere, but I left you.
I don't know if it was worth it but I guess it is.
I want to know you better. I don't know how to do that though.
History is a snake. It changes perspective.
I wanna come back. But you won't let me.
You let go. And now, I am left. Just like how I left you. Hanging.
I might have burned the bridge but I am making one again.
And I know that it is hard, but please help me.
Don't break the bridge I am making.
Don't ignore me. Because I want us to be friends.
The way that we used to be.

Okay.

I don't know what to write though. I just want to write. HAHA. Wala lang. Parang antagal ko na ring hindi nagsusulat. Nakakamiss pa minsan minsan. May mga bagay ka na gusto mong sabihin, kaya dito mo na lang isusulat.

Hindi ko na talaga maintindihan ang sarili ko. Kung bakit ang weird ko. Ayoko na nga pero go lang pa rin. ANO NA. Pwedeng itigil na sana to. Hayyy.

I'm a mess.

Yes I am.
It starts to pile up. The stress. I wish for this to be over now.
I might not take it anymore. I might breakdown.
I don't know what to do. People often ask me for advice and I do give them those,
But now, I just need another of myself to tell me what to do.
Because I don't really know. This stresses me a lot.
I know I want to be happy. I know I can choose. But how come I am still on this path?
I don't regret the things I did before, but there are things that I regret doing.
I am sad. I have no one to talk to. I have my best friend but he has a lot to think about.
I don't want to add to his worry and problems. I feel really down.
Yes I might be smiling when you see me, but behind that mask, you can't even imagine what am I going through.
I just want to cry. A lot harder. I want to be free- of all these things- the feelings, stress, and everything else.
I want a simple life. Just a happy one.
This storm's gonna be a lot stronger and a lot longer. I just need to hold on. Let me hold on.

I just have to let it out.

I don't know. I am sad. I know why. But I don't want to tell you. It might just get worse.
I know that I have my limits. And I crossed line I should not. I am sorry.
This is the thing I can say. With all my heart. I am sorry,
I have caused you so much. It caused me so much pain.
I have burdened you. I don't know if you deserve me.
Yeah, maybe I have helped you before, but that is nothing compared to what I am doing now.
I am bad. I am sad. I don't know what to do.
I am selfish. I was too comfortable. I thought it would be okay.
I didn't know what you feel. I think I subconsciously didn't care.
But you know how I feel. I care for you. Maybe, just too much.

I am sorry I have been selfish. I only thought of myself. I didn't think of you and your responsibilities, even though you are bluntly telling me that.
I am sorry. I don't know if I even deserve your forgiveness but I am still asking for it. I am a hypocrite. I know.

I wish this will pass. And we can be the same again. Like before. Because of all the people in this world, you are one of those I believed in.
You are one of the most important people in my life. I think I have said it a lot of times. I can only be myself when I am with you. I have no other friend like you. But now, I wish this friendship will last. Forever. I don't know if I can bear it but thinking of it, it makes me cry. A lot. You're the only person I can trust with all my secrets, feelings, emotions and experiences. I wish that you're the same with me. I am so sad right now. I may have lied to you but it is because I don't want to burden you, especially this time. I want to be there who will support you and push you further and help you reach your goals. I am your friend.

Ewan. Labas lang ng feels. Lol.

So yeah. Ganun pa rin. Magdedelete na ako ng mga posts. Ayuuuuun. Iba na ngayon. HOHO.

My clinginess pa rin ang topic. So yeah.

Habang naglalakad ako pauwi, iniisip ko kung bakit ako clingy. And of course, I had a realization.

Yeah. Tinatamad na ako sobra mag-explain. Basta, yun. :(((

Hay.

Naiiyak na lang ako lagi. Nakakaasar na. Hay. Feeling ko tuloy nasa depressed na naman ako. Medyo stable pa naman kaya okay lang. Pero still. Bwisit.

I wish na kaya kong umalis sa state na to. Gusto ko yung chill lang. Walang pakialam sa mundo. Bwisit na feelings yan. Nagpapasaya tapos nagpapalungkot rin naman. GAH. Seriously, Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin. Ang plan ko mukhang di ko kayang iexecute nang maayos. Nakakaaasar. ACADS. Sana meron na lang akong happiness potion na lagi kong iinumin and stuff. Or para hindi na kailangang uminom, sana naggegenerate na lang ako ng happiness. Ganun na lang sana lagi. Ayoko ng feeling na ganito. Yung doubt na to is killing me. Hay. Gusto ko umiyak tapos after umiyak sana okay na ang lahat pero hindi e.

Gusto ko lang magrant kasi hindi ko na alam kung saan ako maglalagay ng feelings. Nakakabwisit.

Ayoko rin pala nung nature ko. Ewan, Masyado akong clingy. And I expect people to be clingy too. Hayyy. Nakakapagod na. Ako yung nasasaktan kasi ako yung clingy. Ako yung needy. Ako yung dependent. Ako yung mas masasaktan. Kasi wala naman e.

T_T

Crying. Again. Stupiddddd. >:(

I don't know.

These stuff are killing meeeee. :<

KMN

>.<

Hayyyyyy. Kill me nao please. Medyo kailangan ko ng SUPER MARAMING willpower at self-control para matapos ito.

Magbabago na ako. HAYYYYY. Nakakaasar. Looking back, super unworthy ako ng mga stuff. Ewan. Nakakainis. Parang ang feeling ko nagbago na ako. Pero for the worse. :((((( T_____________T nakakainis. HAY. Stress in life. Naiiyak nako.

Anyway, umiyak ako kaninang umaga. T_T parang narealize ko yung bigat ng lahat ng mga stuff for next week. Parang di ko kaya yung feeling. Nakakainis. WHYYYY

Nganga.

Reading about other people's lives made me think about mine. Do I really like this course? :O

Anyway, it really made me think *even just for a second* if I really like this course. I am like, I have no choice. But I do. But I don't know. I think I really like this course and I don't know. Mkay. Lost person here.



Another thing is that I also want to pursue cooking. Like gourmet cooking. Learning different techniques and stuff like that. Even being a chocolatier had once been a dream of mine. I don't know. But I want to pursue geology, too. I wish my life would be longer to do all these things. Hay. Anywayyy, I just shared some of my dreams with you tonight. :))

Bad day

Morning Crisis

I just want to say, I don't create interesting posts. I just want to blog just to let out what I feel. I felt like telling the world what I feel can somehow release some of the burden that I feel. I know it is selfish for me to tell you my problems but you have the choice to read it or not. <- These lines are weird.

This week has been very fun and weird for me. Migraine always coming. I feel like I always don't have enough time to sleep. I feel like I always have requirements and stuff to finish.

I just want to say that I love this week because even though this week is tiring for me, it has been somehow kind to me. Or not. I don't know. I always feel like this. Uncertain about stuff. Always holding back. Always being reserved. Always unsure.

Reading this post may be very weird and stuff. I don't know how to organize my thoughts. It's always all over the place. Always kalat. Always.

I just want to blog what I feel but after some time I just want to delete posts or anything. Okay weird post right here. YAY.

Maybe some other time. Maybe. Or not. Most probably yeah. But whatever.

What I wish is to talk to my best friend. He is just the one who I can talk about everything. Everything.

Clingy.

Super labo ng post na to. Don't read. It's not organized or whatever.



Why am I clingy? It brought me to a verrrrry new situation. It brought me into a situation I never want to be in. But why am I still clingy? Here are my thoughts:

I think I am clingy because I want to feel loved. Physical display of affections always works on me. I lean on people's shoulders, I cry on them, I hug a lot. I hold people's hands. Even intertwined my fingers with theirs. Just to feel loved. I also kiss people. :D HOHO. On rare occasions. Hay.

Now that the rain has separated me from the people I usually hug/hold hands with/kiss are far from me. I feel not loved. Then I become the texter/fb-er/twitter-er/blogger. Hayyy. That is why I am sad. I am lonely. I want to feel loved. :( And now, I feel like I am alone. HAHAHA

Maybe I am like this because I am used to be hugged/kissed/clingy-ed by everyone. Or maybe I just want to feel like it. But I am clingy. 



I just created this post because I have no one to talk to the whole day today. I just want to let it out. I want to tell the world to that I want to be hugged. That is why I hug people. I want them to feel loved. But seldom I get hugs. I know that they are not clingy like me, that is why I understand. I just want people to hug me. :((((((((

Repost. Gusto mo ng Realizations?

Hindi mo palagi nakukuha ang gusto mo. Pero hindi mo kailangan maging malungkot dahil hindi mo nakukuha ang gusto mo. Nasa iyo naman kung gusto mo maging masaya eh. Hindi lang naman ang gusto mo ang magpapasaya sa iyo. Minsan, nakakalimutan lang natin ang mga simpleng bagay na nagpapaligaya sa atin. Kapag na wala na lang sila, saka natin nakikita kung gaano kaimportante ang mga iyon sa buhay natin. Huwag gaanong pagtuunan ng pansin ang mga problema. Masasagot din sila, maghintay ka lang. At ang mga hindi mo makuha? Naging masaya ka naman nang wala ang mga iyon, hindi ba? Pwes, kaya mo ring maging masaya ulit kahit na wala ang mga iyon.


At ang mga kaibigan, importante ang mga iyan. Huwag mo silang talikuran o pagisipan ng masama. Kung may ginawa man silang hindi mo ikinatuwa, hindi naman nila siguro intensyon na saktan ka. Kung ganoon nga ang intensyon nila, hindi mo talaga sila dapat na ituring na kaibigan. Kung pinagiisipan mo naman sila ng masama, anong klaseng kaibigan ka? Hindi mo sila pinagkakatiwalaan pero sila pinagkakatiwalaan ka? Masama kang kaibigan kung ganoon.


At ang pinaka importante siguro ay kaya mong gawin ang lahat. Nasa sa iyo lang kung gagawin mo o hindi. Ikaw ang bahala sa buhay mo. Tandaan mo lang din na "It is our choices, not our traits, that make us who we are.". Kaya ang payo ko sayo, huwag kang matakot. What does not kill us, makes us stronger. After all, we learn from our mistakes. Kapag palagi tayong nagkakamali, marami tayong matututunan at magagamit natin iyon sa ibang bagay. Experience is the best teacher. At kung masakit man ang iyong pagkakamali, huwag kang mawawalan ng pag-asa. Dahil kapag wala nang pagasa, hindi natin alam kung may bagyo.
NGEEE!!!!!
Ang korny ko. Mamatay na lahat ng korny.